The Panty Thief
by AngryGood
Summary: Lass has obtained 5th job! He's testing out his powers. Rated T for profanities; features a bit of romance between Ronan and Elesis.


This is fanfic number two, and I decided to try my hand at humor. It features a small amount of romance between Elesis and Ronan.

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><p>"What's <em>wrong<em> with that kid?" Ronan had started one day, "Lass's been acting kind of... creepy lately."

"Oh, he's always creepy." Muttered Elesis. Then she sheepishly added, "And, uh, I caught him ...reading my...Playboymagsaweekago."

"Huh. Elesis. I didn't know that chicks read that stuff!"

"Shush, Ronoob! You're enough of a _girl,_ I thought you'd know," was Elesis's embarrassed yet incensed response, "Besides, what's wrong with girls reading that! It's _perfectly _okay when _guys_ read it, isn't it! And Arme and I heard you and Ryan talking about this once! Sexist! At least- !"

"It's okay, Elesis. I get it. I'm not sexist. ...weirdo..." He had muttered the last part.

"Anyhoo," She continued, feeling slightly humiliated, "He had the strangest response."

Ronan was feeling quite curious at this point. And awkward- but mostly curious. "Tell me."

"When I caught him, he was passed out. Looked like he had a seizure or something." Stated the proud owner of some (mature) magazines. "Then he woke up and screamed. He clutched his head and was foaming at the mouth and everything. I didn't even think he noticed me," She shook her head in disapproval. "and then he stumbled awkwardly out of my room, bumping into stuff. "

"Huh. That's unlike him. He's usually pretty stealthy," Commented Ronan, unsure of what to say next. This was getting more intense... and stranger... by the minute.

"Then, Lassy boy locked himself in his room for a few days up 'till now. With my precious... gold edition...magazine...my precious..." Elesis seemed to undergo an epiphany (or mood swing). "DAMMIT! I JUST REALIZED!" She cried suddenly, her hair flying out with unpredicted rage, "HE WENT INTO MY ROOM!"

Ronan looked a bit startled, and could only stare in semi-horror at the hothead across the table.

_You realize that NOW?_, He thought internally. _Duh-duh- duh-DENSE!_ _Elesis, you're dense! But sexy! But dense! _

"He's going to pray!" Shrieked the angry knight, oblivious to the neighboring man's thoughts, "I mean, play! No, pay!" She flung herself over the counter and charged up the stairs. Ronan didn't speak, for fear of his safety.

"I'M GONNA BEAT THAT CHILD!" heard Ronan, as well as a series of violent poundings, and finally, the creak of a door... And the frantic screams of Elesis.

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OHMYGOD!"

He sat still at the table, waiting to see what would happen next. It didn't take long.

Elesis leaped down a flight of stairs into Ronan's view, and dashed towards the spell knight, as Ronan got up and approached her. "H-Help me!"

_What does a cow go through during menopause? Moooooo~d swings!_

She hid behind him and pointed to the top of the stairs. "Is this a joke?", muttered the poor, poor boy. In seconds, he realized it was anything but a joke. A dangerous entity that he all too well knew slowly descended down to the floor level of the house.

Uncombed, silver hair was plastered underneath a small pair of black, lacy panties. A twisted grin, complete with unshaven facial hair and bloodshot eyes turned towards him. It was obvious he had not been brushing his teeth while he locked himself up. He was nearly completely nude, making things much, much more awkward, although a small leaf saved the day from making the situation completely awkward.

**"You're next.**"

"What does that mean?" demanded Ronan. "Are you by any chance... interested in males...?"

**"Does this look like it belonged to a dude?"** Lass pointed to the skimpy lingerie atop his scalp. Behind Ronan Elesis wimpered.

_So she has a cute side..._

"Well, no. Maybe. What kinda dude are we talking here?"

Lass shook his head and clicked his teeth in annoyance. **"Fool- Don't play dumb. I am here for what's underneath that skirt."**

The spell knight felt very offended. "This armor has lots of defense, for your information," he scoffed bitterly. "And why would you want my tighty whities?"

**"Ew."** The little freak was looking more agitated by the second. **"And I have no desire for those... tight and white undergarments. I am speaking of your little red haired friend there." **His fingers twitched with anticipation.

Ronan finally realized that he was referring to Elesis. Speaking of the hotheaded yandere, she was shuddering and her lower lip quivered. So very unlike her- what did Lass do to her?

"Ronan... you i-idiot..." Her legs gave one final tremor before crumpling beneath her shaking torso. He hands flew to her eyes. He heard her silent sobs. She was crying.

"Elesis!"

"G-go away..."

_"Elesis!_"

**"Frickin' constipated gods of Xenia!"** Lass began to draw nearer. His arms were posed like those of a tyrannosaurus rex, and his dirty, greasy fingers were flexing as if they were constantly grabbing invisible stress balls.

_Creepy. If his pupils weren't showing I'd think Kaze'Aze was possessing him. She's pretty sketchy too._

Ronan knew what he had to do. He swiped a plastic butter knife off the the kitchen table and shoved it in Lass's direction. The future molester flinched, and watched the butter knife with a wary eye. He sneered as if to make himself look manly and unfrightened, but he just looked high.

**"You wouldn't dare..."**

"If you come closer... I-I'll kill you! I'll really do it!" He made a slashing motion with the flimsy cutlery, demonstrating what he would do. "Elesis... I will protect you, even if I have to shed blood! Even if I have to take the life of someone else to save yours!" Ronan brandished his plastic toy. I mean, weapon.

_Aww yeah, I just said something really deep. I'm cool._

Elesis looked up at him, really looked, and could only see a face dripping with sweat and a pair of determined, lazuli eyes. The two held eye contact for what seemed an eternity.

"Why..." She whispered, shattering the silence, her ruby corneas dripping with tears. Ronan reached out to wipe the tears off her heart shaped face; yet her eyes widened with shock.

"Because, my dear Elesis, I-" He was cut short as an icy, pale hand latched around his from behind, the one he had extended to Elesis.

**"Did you forget me? I am so sad."**

He gasped. The hand was frigid, dirty, and germy, and he himself was a clean freak. He needed to wash it again! No no no no no! He retracted his arm frantically and had some sort of seizure.

"Ronan!" cried Elesis, who was still on the floor for some reason. She watched in despair as her protector knelled to the ground, clutching his contaminated hand and screaming in agony. His assaulter grinned down at his next victim, and Elesis felt as if a tray of ice cubes had been slid down her backside.

**"You cannot escape your fate..."**

"Ronan! Ronan! Idiot! You- you can't die now! I need you!", she screamed, trying to wake up the fallen warrior, "I can't live without you! I- I love you!"

No response but a series of "My hand!"'s, "The filth!"'s, and violent quakes met her. She sat, watching in horror as the flexing, grubby hand of Lass reached towards her. It seemed to happen in slow motion, his creepy smile almost penetrating her sanity. Elesis weakly crawled backwards a few inches, and grabbed Ronan's "poisoned" hand. She held it to her cheek as her tears slid freely. Ronan didn't stop thrashing on the ground, but for that moment, she didn't care.

"I'm sorry for everything, Ronan... Let us die together..."

Her crying deepened even more so, and suddenly Ronan was freed from the wrath of OCD. He slashed, or rather, whacked Lass's slowly approaching hand with his plastic cutlery. Turns out, Elesis wasn't seeing things in slow motion. Lass was just being un-ninja like.

**"Nooooooooo! ! NOOOO!"** Lass began to cry as his fingers stopped flexing, and he grabbed his injured hand. **"You broke my pinky!"** He wriggled his self-proclaimed broken finger, and threw himself to the ground and started making weird noises. He slowly crawled away to the corner of the kitchen, and roughly sat down facing the walls. A dark aurora crept into his emo corner.

"Good thinking, Elesis! You washed my hand," cheered Ronan, as he finally, _finally,_ helped his fellow knight stand. "And Lass is finally back to his old self! Sort of…" He added, gesturing to the albino in the corner, who seemed to be mourning about having puberty troubles.

"Hey... I feel my strength coming back!" Elesis shot, suddenly. She glared at Lass, whilst cracking her knuckles. "Vengence... would you like to join me, Ronoob?"

"Nah, I'm good. Also, how did you lose your strength in the first place?"

"Ehh," She pondered for a second. "When he started using that **molester** voice I started feeling dizzy. Plus, he was shooting yellow lasers at me! Didn't you see?"

_No._ "Oh, yeah, sure. And by the way, I'd rather not get into another fight with that freak of nature. It'll get the floor dirty."

Elesis reconsidered. "Eh, I guess I won't do it without you, then." She looked away, slightly embarrassed again. Her cheeks were stained with a blush. "Do you want to do something else together, though? Like to the movies?" She hoped that he liked her as much as she liked him. They had received each other's confessions just 10 minutes ago, after all.

"Nah," said Ronan. Elesis felt a sense of disappointment and stupidity for getting rejected. Almost a minute passed, and she soon recovered.

"Stupid! It's not as if I actually wanted to!" She huffed, her defense mechanisms kicking in.

"No, that's not what I meant!" Exclaimed Ronan.

"Did you not mean what you said earlier?" She murmured.

Patiently, he responded, "Of course I love you, and yes, I do want to be with you! Let's spend lots of time together, later." Ronan took a deep breath. "I just want to sweep the floors, comb my hair, wash the dishes, double- launder the clothes, wipe all the doorknobs, clean all the remotes and cellphones, remove all the cobwebs in the attic, and wash the toilet first." His eyes shifted from left to right. "Those germs... They're everywhere," he whispered. He was dead serious.

"Okay, then, Mr. Clean..."

"Oh, and last but not least, I need to take a shower. I need to use lots of soap! I didn't apply my super mega ultra strength deodorant today! See?" Elesis suddenly found her nose millimeters from Ronan's shaved pits; they did not release the terrible stench she expected. "They smell disgusting, do they not?"

"Uhh, sure, if you say so..." Elesis was starting to feel a little tired. This guy...! So weird!

"And so," He continued, "I was wondering if you wanted to join me in the shower later?"

Elesis looked Ronan strangely, but nodded anyway.

Later that day, Arme came home from the library. She had been studying about famous wizards and magicians. She happily recalled a really ugly bald force of evil named Voldemort, who was able to kill people instantly with his spells. She also remembered reading about an old man with a really cool beard who bellowed, "YOU SHALL NOT PASSSSSSS!" What was his name? Gandalf, right?

Anyhow, it was a truly fruitful day, and she had absorbed tons of information, and was ready to cast some new spells! However, upon entering through the doorway, she was met with rather gloomy air. She noticed Lass muttering to himself in the corner, and her brows furrowed with worry. He was shirtless, or so it looked to her, and he was wearing some black veil thing over his head. She couldn't really see; her vision was somewhat blurry from reading all day.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Arme asked softly, as she approached her strange friend, "Lass, are you going through puberty again?"

His head slowly rotated. She looked at him and walked a bit closer. That silky cloth on his head was definitely not a veil.

"You're kinda sweaty- were you just training?" Asked the short intellectual. "And what is that skimpy speciman you're wearing?"

Lass cocked his head from side to side "Yeah, I guess you could say that. I was practicing my new job; _this_ _speciman is my new armor._"

Arme gave a slight squeal of joy. "You got _a 5__th__ job_! Cool! What can you do?" She looked at him with large, excited eyes.

"Well, for starters, I can shoot yellow lasers from my eyes, but I think it only affects females." Lass told her, shrugging. "I tried it on Elesis and Ronan. Only Elesis could see and feel it."

"Hey, Lass, when was Ronan not a female? Maybe it works only on hotheads!" Giggled Arme.

"Hrmm, good point." Answered Lass, nodding.

"Okay, do what else can you do?"

"Oh, I can paralyze people with my new taunt! It also drains their power, apparently. It only seemed to work on Elesis, again."

Arme's had a thirst for knowledge, and she was intrigued by Lass's new powers. She began bouncing up and down like a child.

"Wowowow! I wonder why!" she chirped, cheerfully," I wanna fight you sometime! By the way, how was the mission you had to go through to get 5th job?"

"Oh, it was terrible." Lass shook his head in dismay. "It was my first time doing such a thing. It took over a week, and I couldn't stop vomiting! I also had to steal from Elesis to start it."

"Ooh," said Arme, "I'm sorry! That sounds sucky." And to change the subject, she asked, "Oh yeah, what's the job called?" She walked closer and sat down next to the assassin; she wanted to ask loooots of questions!

"Panty thief."

"Oh Lass, you've always had an unexpectedly good sense of humor," laughed Arme. Clearly, she didn't believe that he was telling the truth.

"Wait, are those my panties!"


End file.
